The joys and sorrows of the last year linger || After Ali

The seasons roll past

The joys and sorrows of the last year linger

I wait 

Wait to feel content 

Wait to feel connected 

Wait to feel that warm little body snuggled up to mine

But I will wait my whole life long

I will wait until my time here is over 

Once I've hopefully done a few good things for my family and the world 

Then I will wait no more

I will see her 

I will be with her 

and perhaps I will feel light again

Perhaps my life will feel like it had a purpose

Perhaps I did give Ali something she needed 

Perhaps I won't feel the shame, blame and heavy-responsibility for what my life offered me

But until then

I wait 

I wait in anticipation for when we will be reunited 

I know she is out there

I know she is with me

I know she is watching over me 

But I wish she wasn't

I wish I was taking care of her 

Her little being, so tiny and so in need of love

Yet I didn't get that chance 

Now she is taking care of me

And I wait until I will get to take care of her again.