I'm Not Ready to Experience Hope Again || After Ali

I am not ready to find the meaning in all of this. I am not ready for people to tell me you'll find the strength to move forward. I am not ready to listen and learn about how powerful pain can be. I am not ready to hear about why this was Ali's path. I am not prepared to learn about how unifying death can be for a family. 

I don't want hope right now. I need to stay in the space I am. I need to look down at my empty arms and cry because my child is no longer there. I need to be able to live in my blame. I need to be able to feel that I did something wrong. I need to be looking for answers as to what I could have done differently. 

I can't be finding meaning in all of this. What meaning could be found? It was Ali's life choice. She knew what she was signing up for. We weren't ready yet and this gave us a peek at what our family with 4 people in it could look like. Honor wasn't ready to have a sibling, she needed more love and attention. Ali picked us to have this experience with because she knew we would be strong enough. Ali knew she would receive more love from us in 40 days than she would receive from other parents in a lifetime.

Oh come on -- it's all bullshit. 

My child isn't in my arms. 

My daughter doesn't need me. 

I can't feed her.

I can't change her diaper.

I can't do anything for her.

I can't show up on this physical earth and be her mother.

It's hard to find meaning in my reality.